How Not to Seduce the Nightwatcher
by Lady Venom2
Summary: In which Raph has an encounter with a woman during his run as Nightwatcher and realizes that he still finds human culture confusing as hell. One shot


Note: I don't own TMNT.

Now! I haven't written anything in like, a year! So, finally inspiration wailed me upside the head in the form of the wonderful Tori! Something she mentioned just got me thinking. She adored it and wanted it put up, so here it is! She's also the wonderful person who edited this for me as well! So, props to Tori!

* * *

He felt his body moving with each deep breath; there had been more than usual tonight. Not that the Nightwatcher minded, the more the better, the fight had only lasted an hour, but the gear was starting to feel disgustingly slick with sweat. It was time to call it a night. He started for the fire escape at the mouth of the alley, thinking of how nice a hot shower would feel when a voice rang out.

"Oh my God, you're – you're the Nightwatcher aren't you?!"

He cursed his helmet, the visor gave him an obstructed view, and dulling his hearing, else he would have been aware of the woman sooner.

"Uh, yea. But listen, lady - I don't give autographs." He reached up to pull down the fire escape's ladder.

"Oh, that's okay; I wasn't looking for an autograph."

"Good," he grunted, waving his hand around. _Where was the blasted ladder?!_

"You see, I was looking for a different kind of souvenir." She moved closer towards him.

"Huh? Whaddya mean?" He eyed the blonde; she could've barely been pushing thirty. Pretty in an average kind of way, wearing jeans and a tight tee. Nice rack.

She moved till she was an arm's length away. "You know, the television doesn't do you justice. I mean, you're really built aren't you?" Her eyes wandered over him while her mouth curved to a smile.

"Uh, thanks?" His instincts were telling him to leave, but he was just too damn curious to listen.

She reached out, splaying her fingers across his chest, moving them up towards his helmet. His knee jerk reaction caused his hands to grab hers and pull them away.

"No way, I don't kiss on the first date." He joked, letting go of her hands.

"Oh don't worry; it's not your mouth I want to kiss." She smirked.

His eyes widened in surprise. Where the heck do people get these weird fetishes?! "I definitely don't do _that_ on a first date either!"

She pouted at him, but it only made her look childish. Shaking his head with a sigh he looked up, grabbing the edge of the ladder for leverage as he flipped up to a landing, making his way to the roof.

Back at the lair, after a nice long shower, Raphael emerged feeling clean again, though no less confused about humans and their kinks.

"Hey Raph! Check this out, some woman called the local news station and she told them she like, totally screwed the Nightwatcher!"

"What?!" His head whipped around to the small set that Mikey's head was obstructing. "Move!" He ordered, coming to stand beside the sofa.

The news anchors still had the woman on the phone, but the reception sounded fuzzy, probably a cell. "… in the alley? Weren't you scared?"

"No, well okay maybe a little. But more that someone might have caught us doing… you know…"

The male anchor grinned, "All right so- "

The female anchor interrupted her co-worker. "So you're saying you had unprotected sex with a guy in an alley that skulks around beating up guys?"

There was a pause on the phone, before a hesitant '_yes'._

"So, aren't you worried you could have caught an STD?"

There was a sudden click, then a dial tone. The anchor woman sat quietly a moment before giving a salvaging grin to the camera.

"Well folks, there you have it, anyone will do anything for a little publicity."

"Careful now, we might have a Nightwatcher baby story soon on our hands…" Her co-anchor laughed.

Mikey looked at Raph, "Dude, _would_ the Nightwatcher have – "

"The Nightwatcher doesn't have STD'S!" he shouted in disgust for what the woman implied bubbling over towards Mike. He turned towards his room with a low groan.

"I'm goin' to bed…It's been a long night."


End file.
